Pardon Me While I Remove My Bra....

This just really, really, really tickled my funny bone, so I had to share it. Because it prompted me to share it with a friend and then say to him "Ohmigosh!! A possibly toxic gas!! Hold on, let me just remove my bra..." which got an "amen!" response. *grins* Apparently he's not concerned so much with the possibly dying so much as the freed bewbies. :P

We now return you to your regularly scheduled sanity. :)

You might just be a C--t...

Right, I decided to have some fun (based on several conversations with assorted female and male friends *grins*)!

- When "bitch" just doesn't begin to cover it ... you might just be a Cunt.
- When you can't help but giggle at someone else's idiocy and suffering ... you might just be a Cunt.
- When the highway patrolmen avoid pulling you over for speeding ... you might just be a Cunt.
- When men only come in handy for: manual labor, fetching things from the highest shelves or squishing icky multi-legged creatures ... you might just be a Cunt.
- When your auto-biography is titled "Penises That Made Me Laugh And The Egos That Destroyed" ... you might just be a Cunt.
- When you can say "I have toys for that." while smirking and really mean it ... you might just be a Cunt.
- When a creditor hangs up on you in tears ... you might just be a Cunt.
- When you can ignore someone until they realize exactly what they did wrong and they slink back with an apology ( jewelry, flowers, the works!) ... you might just be a Cunt.
- When other women advise their friends to ask you for revenge tips ... you might just be a Cunt.
- When you can silently glare at someone for less than a second and get them to do whatever you want them to ... you might just be a Cunt.
- When the men's room gossip wall says "for a good time avoid calling X!!!" ... you might just be a Cunt.
- When a man can say "so what did you think?" and your response is to state without hesitation "when I say I've had better, I'm so NOT exaggerating" ... you might just be a Cunt.
- When the Secretary of Defense considers sending you to hostile countries to "deal with things" ... you might just be a Cunt.
- When PMS and menopause just can't explain your homicidal mood swings ... you might just be a Cunt.
- When a girlfriend asks you to go on a blind date with a guy who hurt her feelings because she knows you'll make him wish he'd never been born ... you might just be a Cunt.
- When you can smile sensually, speak softly, sound sweet and insult someone so terrifically that they're still trying to understand it a week later ... you might just be a Cunt.


... and I might just add more to this in coming weeks depending on how assorted conversations progress. *grins* Hope you got a few chuckles out of it! :D

Tooth Fairy

Today's joke brought to you by: my own creative, drugged out mind some years ago when I had my wisdom teeth removed!

Yep it's true, years ago when I was on darvoset or percoset or somethingniceoset after having my wisdom yanked out of my mouth (and doesn't that just explain a LOT?), I lay in a drug induced haze and wrote the following letter which I then sent to my mother (I considered sending it to Dad but I had a feeling he wouldn't be thrilled being called "dearest tooth fairy") via email in hopes of convincing her to spring for a nice lil dinner out with my then spouse - sadly it didn't work, but let's all giggle anyway! Hurrah!



Dearest Tooth Fairy,

It's been quite some time since we've had any business together so first let me remind you of the deep respect I have for you and always have. Yours is a very difficult and often unappreciated job and you do it exceptionally well despite the lack of vacation and benefits. That said, as you're aware I have recently had four teeth removed which I know you're looking forward to retrieving for your vast collection. Being that they are rare teeth - not everyone has a full set of wisdoms after all and only gets one set to boot! - I feel that the traditional $2.50 per tooth is inadequate. As you know giving up these particular teeth so that I might aid in your admirable collecting has presented me with something of a problem, leaving me too tender and sore to eat normal food and unable to sleep for several days. With all of that in mind I possit that I simply cannot accept less than $5.00 per tooth - but rest assured that it will go to a good cause! Purchasing a lovely, healthy, *solid* meal for myself and my spouse at a fine dining establishment once I have regained full use of mouth. If that is acceptable to you simply leave the money in the usual place. I look greatly forward to hearing from you at your earliest possible convience. It's been wonderful doing business with you again.

In admiration,
Jeje



Note: Mom did respond to the email, she called me, laughing her ass off, and told me I'd made her day, we had a great chat, but even that didn't manage to pursuade her to give me 20$, although I discovered that I must've inherited most of my sense of humour (and perhaps, my sadistic side?) from her - the next greeting card I got from her had a quarter in it.

This is Remo's fault...

Right, I'm supposed to be working on my philosophy term paper, but my eyes have gone a bit crossed and cocked so I need to take a teeny, tiny, lil break, so here we go:


1. What’s the most exciting thing you have planned for this weekend?
Bearing in mind that Monday is my Sunday: I'm going to finish working on my philosophy term paper, then the three extra credit papers I don't need to do but I find fascinating and I'm an overachiever like that. Then I'm going to work on my last psychology paper (and do an extra credit one there as well because, honestly, it just rocks!). After that I'll start working on the three minute powerpoint presentation I need to do for geology... *smiles* Yes it's true, I'm an over-acheiving academic and boring like that.

2. What is the most exciting adventure you’ve ever been part of?
The most exciting adventure I've ever been part of... umm... well... I was married and I managed to not murder my now ex-husband before it was over. Not sure if that qualifies as "exciting" exactly, but it was definitely an adventure. (Anything attempting to resemble 'normalacy' in my life has to be an adventure.)

3. A friend offers you the chance to go skydiving: you’ll be strapped to a professional skydiver who will actually operate the parachute for the two of you, so all you have to worry about is the experience itself. Would you take your friend up on the offer?
Do I have to be strapped to a professional? And if the answer is yes, can he look like Vin Diesal and can we be nekkid and can I be facing him instead of the ground, just to make things interesting...? *flutters lashes innocently*

4. How long has it been since you tried a completely different cuisine?
I think I ran out of "completely different cuisines" to try many years ago - I tried most anything put in front of me, discovered I like some stuff and loathe others and I've pretty much stuck with what I like ever since.

5. Take the quiz: Is Your Life Boring?

You Live an Exciting Life

You are anything but a bore. You make sure that life is full of excitement. You have an adventurous spirit, and you don't like to sit still for too long. If you feel like doing something, you don't think about it. You just do it. There's no way you could ever live a boring life. There's too much to do and not enough time.

... I think the quiz is lying to everyone, I'm seriously boring. Just ask Becks or Wolfie or csi_tokyo or my sweet, sexy lil slavelet, any one of them will tell ya: I'm too busy to be "exciting". At least, I think they would...


6. What is the biggest fear you feel you have definitely overcome?
Don't think I've "definitely" overcome any of my fears, except that normal 'fear of death' that most people have for at least part of their life. Yep, realizing you might be dead in like a month for reasons you wouldn't even be able to physically see when you're only twenty-six apparently causes that reaction. *nods* So I'm over the whole 'death' thing.

Feelin silly...

Right so I'm wasting about four minutes of study time between reading a cute meme post from ET and doing it myself, cuz I needed a break. Mathness sucks. My 'album' looks pretty cool all things considered. :)

1. Go to Wikipedia. Hit "random." The first random Wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.

2. Go to Random Quotations. The last four or five words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.

3. Go to Flickr and click on "explore the last seven days." The third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

4. Use photoshop or a similar program to put it all together.Here's my album cover:

What kind of date are you?

Right, I did this years ago ... so I retook it... apparently I'm still a total freak. *grins*

Genghis Khunt Random Brutal Sex Master (RBSM) We almost called you Brutus the Uterus and attached this picture: But we figured you wouldn't understand, and rightly so. We don't understand either. So you are Genghis Khunt: master of man, bringer of pain--riding your way to conquest after conquest. Your sexual avarice is legendary. You've already had an unusually high amount of experience, and, still you look for more. You intimidate many. You make no apologies. Your exact female opposite: The Sonnet Deliberate Gentle Love Dreamer Personality-wise, you're carefree and relatively easy-going. You don't plan things out ahead of time; you tend to live in the moment. Of course, this can cause some damage when the moment happens to include a screaming orgasm with his younger brother. Hence the 'brutal' tag we've given you. But you know what, take five seconds to lock the doors, and you'll be fine. There's nothing wrong with a little sex, or a whole lot. AVOID: The Slow Dancer (DGLD) CONSIDER: The 5-Night Stand (DBSM), The Hornivore (RBSM), The Playboy (RGSM)

Link: The Online Dating Persona Test @ OkCupid.

Weekly Weather Report

I meant to do this yesterday, but I got distracted... it's all my brothers fault. That's my story and I'm sticking to it! But anyway, onto the weekly weather report:

This weeks Seven Day Outlook:

Monday: In the morning, high risk of cleaning storms, about ninty percent. Counters will clear up and tempers will soar by mid afternoon followed by a much needed shower and heavy study-traffic around the computer desk areas. In the evening, fair chance of a siblings hockey game, about eighty-five percent, followed by a lengthy drive to deliver kinky toys. Tempers will drop severely overnight with a chance of decent sleep until the alarm blares sometime early Tuesday.

Tuesday: In the morning, moderate chance of forgetting something important before dashing out the door to school coinciding with a high risk of accidentally running into the door frame and mashing a poor innocent breast roughly, about ninty-seven percent. Stress levels will rise sharply during psychology with a chance of panic attacks by mid-test. Worries will slowly fall into the afternoon with frustration levels rising sharply around one-thirty p.m. In the evening, risk of insane giggling, around ninty-three percent, followed by an exhausted calm settling in the area of the computer lab until the "chauffer" arrives. Talking will increase significantly with a moderate chance of minor verbal explosions until bedtime.

Wednesday: In the morning, olfactory senses will be offended, moderately to strongly, until the kitty box has been thoroughly cleaned, followed by felines plotting and attempting murder until their appetites are sated. High risk of household chores through the morning, about eighty-five percent, before frustration levels and tempers rise due to a nasty increase in studying for math. By late afternoon thoughts of killing math instructors and burning math books will be at a high of ninty-nine percent, risk of study cessation also roughly ninety-nine percent. In the evening, stress levels will wane due to giggle levels increasing dramatically either from futzing around at the computer or watching silly cartoon movies. Overnight, tempers will settle, risk of dreams being significantly stranger than normal.

Thursday: In the morning, high probability of forgetting to eat as stress levels skyrocket without warning upon the realization that no amount of studying will have adequately prepared for the math test, followed by almost hysterical compulsive glances into math notes throughout the morning. In the afternoon, determination not to commit homicide-suicide during math class will wane briefly before recieving test, quickly followed by quiet chuckles as the test is completed in under fifteen minutes. Late afternoon high chance of giggly hysteria before and through homework and other classes, followed by intense relaxation near the computer lab with a possibility of random poetry creation, around seventy percent.

Friday: In the morning, high risk of not getting out of bed until nearly noon, around ninety-five percent followed by ignoring the felines biting at ankles and toes because they're hungry. By early afternoon probability of resumed storms of cleaning coinciding with dark grumblings over how only one person in the house ever does any cleaning, approximately one hundred percent. In the evening, significant chance of attending siblings hockey game coinciding with a sore throat from screaming encouragement or abuse at sibling because he sucks mightily.

Saturday: In the morning, chances of yard work imminent immediately after tending to pushy felines, followed by advantagously enjoying being home alone for a few brief hours. Chances of attempts at studying by early afternoon, around thirty-seven percent. In the evening, probability of verbal sparring rises sharply followed by intense and frequent eye rolling at the sibling and frantic typing in the computer keyboard area. Overnight, risks of not going to bed at a decent hour dramatically increase in tandem with giggle storms.

Sunday: In the morning, chances of saying "fuck the morning I'm staying in bed!" rise signficantly as any hint of light causes hissing and knee-jerk pulling covers over head reaction. By early afternoon food needs will force a more animated response followed by attempted murder from the irritated felines. Late afternoon risk of studying coinciding with much growling every time it's interrupted, roughly ninety-percent. In the evening, chances of blogging rise significantly despite attempts to get shit done.

Blog of Morality...

And now it's time for another installment of the Blog of Morality!


Me: Hey chicklets it's that time again --
Myself: to run around naked in the rain?
I: to 'accidentally' cut the brake lines on my math teachers car?
Me: *eyes I* NO. It's time to learn todays lesson. *tugs the huge Blog out from behind the firewall*
Myself: Oh lord you're going to chant again aren't you...
Me: *smirks* Yes, but not about typing, I fixed the Blog so that it's a big spinning wheel so my chanting won't be quite as bad.
I: HA!
Me: *glares, gives the wheel a good spin and starts chanting* Blog of Morality, turn, turn, turn... Tell us the lesson that we should learn!
I: *mutters* I hope it's better than last weeks...
Me: Moral number three! And the moral of today is: Live life without restraint, unless you're into bondage - then by all means, use restraints.
Myself: That sounds so familiar somehow...
I: ...probably because you're a slut?
Myself: ... Who told?!
Me: We now return you to your regularly scheduled Wednesday. Again.

{Eventually the insanity will start to get to you... but by then you'll be addicted. MWUhahahahaha!}

Blog of Morality...

At some point in the past most of us have seen the cartoon Animaniacs, so we're probably all vaguely familiar with the "Wheel of Morality"... why on earth am I mentioning this? Well, because I've decided to do a Blog of Morality once a week, probably usually on Wednesdays. I'm sure it will be just as random as theirs was...

Me: It's that time again --
Myself: to do the dishes?
I: to chuck heavy things at our roommates?
Me: no! It's time to learn todays lesson!
Myself: And here we thought we'd get away with just talking to the cats today...
Me: *tugs a huge Blog out from behind the firewall and starts chanting* Blog of Morality, type, type, type... Tell us the lesson that we should imbibe --
I: *winces* ... that was terrible.
Me: Oh hush! Moral number twelve. And the moral of today is: Candy is Dandy but Liquor is Quicker.
Myself: How moving!
I: Indeed, I can barely contain my joy.
Myself: That's because those pants don't fit properly. *rimshot!*
Me: We now return you to your regularly scheduled Wednesday!

{Yes it's true... I amuse myself all too frequently with just how odd I can be. *beams*}