New friend a kindred soul vulnerable moments trusting, discussing, of all things poetry... I loathe my poems never reach perfection raw, uncensored, toxic the words never quite "right" always lacking something, somehow bittersweet venomous addiction but I'm moved to write let fly my fingers as they will growling and grumbling afterward like some proddy mama bear discontented with too energetic cubs in fall only hopeful that everything will settle and let me rest.
Call it a poem, a plea, a prayer, a promise... I don't know. A Muse I don't like is with me. I never like it when she's here, won't settle for anything less than black, dragging it up from the depths, deeper than I want to know, deeper than I want to go, clawing to the surface until it reaches the tips of my fingers... and explodes. Frenzy of typing, one hundred words per minute, of what? Of what?! There's a point in it, somewhere, I know there is, there has to be, but she never gives a hint, never a single clue... Bitch!!! So I close my eyes and type, type until she says to stop, typing, typing, typing, and the energy I'm releasing keeps even the cats away. Why does she visit me, always, a few days after a really good purging, why can't she ever just leave me alone? What's the point? Tormenting, demanding bitch! But I can't resist, I don't have the energy and I'm not hungry. Eyes still closed, typing, typing, typing, always typing, fucking cunt, let me just curl up! Alone, under cold covers of comfort with a mountain of pillows... I didn't sleep well. Words a maelstrom in my mind, all night, tossing and turning... so here I am now, typing, typing, typing, waiting for her to be satisfied, pushy demon Whore! I don't want to be here, I really don't... I don't even know why, right now, sometimes, usually, anytime... I don't have any energy to fight right now I don't.. I don't know... I don't know... I don't know. Damn it all I don't know! I Don't KNOW!
Moon(tentative working title) (Written: June 24, 2005)
Dark this morning, cloudy sky, it's barely a quarter to six, cool, quiet, not much traffic today... In the sky - the only clear space - is the moon, still full and bright and beautiful... I can't help smiling as She looks down on me, gaze gentle, motherly tender, missing me... I miss the moon, the stars, the night, this daytime life doesn't really suit me, too bright, too warm, too noisy, too frantic, too full, ... but ... there's people in the day, ... but ... was never fond of big groups really, ... but ... I'm too solitary, too silent, too willing to be alone... without the day I could nearly forget my voice...
Lactic acid buildup... I should be sweating but I'm not, I shouldn't be numb but I am, numb to the physical, the emotional, numb to the heart, to life. Breathe in, out, in, out, breathe... Pulse at one twenty, I'm impressed, only took an hour to get here, one, two, one, two, left, right, left, right, keep going... Fragments of thought blowing away... Where did this breeze come from? I shouldn't be here but I am, I'm not, I am, I'm not, this isn't poetry it's therapy for the suicidal soul, shattered, don't think, don't feel, don't exist, just write, just breathe, just pulse, left, right, one, two, in, out...
So as you may have guessed I've been at least moderately busy lately, what with the plethora of posts that I've been putting up to amuse all and sundry... *glances at posting history, frowns* Well now something's just not right there - I've been thinking violently at my blog every day, it was supposed to be sharing my thoughts and things with you! *sighs* Ok, so I guess that means my telepathy and telekinesis are on the pram... figures. *mutters*
With that in mind - here's a bunch of stuff you've missed out on because the web and my evil brain are not on the same wavelengths:
The past two Mondays' "Random Quote Monday"!
A dress makes no sense, unless it inspires men to want to take it off you. Francoise Sagan
When men are oppressed, it's tragedy. When women are oppressed, it's tradition. Bernadette Mosala
And, to tickle your pickles, the past two Thursdays' "Words of Wisdom" goodness!
It is better to deal with problems before they arise.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
And there you have it folks, you heard it hear first - the best way to deal with problems is to preemptively go lay down! ;)
Ergo if you, like me, expect only uncensored honesty and insanity... you really won't have any reason to resent me except perhaps jealousy. ;)
Things to ruminate over:
History is the fiction we invent to persuade ourselves that events are knowable and that life has order and direction. That's why events are always reinterpreted when values change. We need new versions of history to allow for our current prejudices. ~ Calvin (of Calvin and Hobbes fame)
It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it. ~ Aristotle
Social order at the expense of liberty is hardly a bargain. ~ Donatien Alphonse François de Sade, Marquis de Sade
Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
Yes! Without the 'oops'! ~ David (Jeff Goldblum in Independence Day)
Was it everything you'd hoped for? ~ Ripley (Sigourney Weaver in Aliens)