Thursday, September 3, 2009


I realized something today. Something important. Something that just... explains everything.

Somewhere out there in the great big US of A there's a mad bomber terrorist guy who hates baseball. He hates it so very, very, very, very much (both because it's insanely complicated for such an easy game and because it's so thoroughly American - therefore, evil) that he picked a random name from a phone book (mine, apparently) and began to devise a plan. A horrible plan meant to destroy the very heart and soul of the game!

That plan includes peppering math books with absurd word problems about baseball and, eventually, finding me so that he can forcibly drag my ass to some random nearby stadium and make me do these evil, pointless, cruel math problems. Apparently if I don't do them, he'll destroy the world of baseball or something.

Honest, that has to be what's going on.

I've racked my brain! I can't come up with any other reason why it's so damn important for me to know how to find the distance between the right fielder and second base or the center fielder and third base to one decimal place. (And don't even ask me why the right fielder wants to go to second base or whatever, cuz I haven't got a fuckin clue.)

Seriously, it has zero bearing in my life goals, so it has to be because there's an evil terrorist plot. I mean, terrorists are devious after all, they'll go out of their way to spend years getting a degree and writing a math book and changing curriculums so as to force me to have to sit through all this utter tripe that I loathe so completely no matter how good I may be at it ultimately.

Devious I tell you!

*whimpers* ... I think I need a serious cookie. :(


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